


i've never had a suga daddy, if i wanted one i could go out and get one. because i'm what? sickening.

by aquaraus



Category: Haikyuu!!, RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Crack, M/M, basically ushijima and oikawa try out reference one another on rupaul, delivered by the unsung fandom hero: me, i had writers block and i get over it by writing shit like this, it's the crossover we've all be waiting for, me who never updates or posts, please don't take it seriously and write me serious reviews, that me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-12-03 20:30:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11539887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aquaraus/pseuds/aquaraus
Summary: Oikawa and Ushijima's rivalry finally comes to it's climax, pushed forward with a formidable audience and the staged drama it deserves. Oikawa knows how to get a reaction, and knows how to win his own games. Although normally, he's the only one playing.Getting Ushijima to sashay away isn't as easy as first thought.orthis is crack. 100% crack because i wanted something to come up on google if you typed haikyuu and rupaul in the search box





	i've never had a suga daddy, if i wanted one i could go out and get one. because i'm what? sickening.

**Author's Note:**

> lmfao nice weather we got? looks like it's gonna be  
> sHAdY  
> this is the sort of shit my boyfriend would pull up in the divorce as reasons why he broke up with me  
> (btw im working on a sign of hard times i promise, i just wrote this to remind my self i can write)  
> warning: it's dramatic. take it with a pinch of salt and dont come for me

The squeak of trainers still echo through the court, smell of burned tar from trainers still tingling in the air. Oikawa stands with his day shoes firm on the ground, heart beating and eyes like a hungry animal. His sweater feels heavy and tight against his torso. He’s finally ready. 

 

Iwaizumi stands beside him with his arms crossed. It’s unusual for Iwaizumi not to try and catch Oikawa’s collar and pull him off the court, insist that he’s just taking it too far. But perhaps today he knows that Oikawa needs to be petty, needs to have one last single moment with Ushijima.

 

Oikawa clears his throat, and Ushijima turns. Their eyes meet and it’s like a spark of dangerous electricity. 

 

“Oikawa Tooru.” Ushijima states more than greets. Oikawa only raises his head in turn. Karasuno slowly stop their idle equipment gathering, lurking around the pair with interest as Shiritorizawa slowly back away, knowing it best to leave the rivals alone. 

 

“We’re even now, Ushiwaka.” Oikawa’s voice is hoarse and strangled, spitting out “it is time to put this to rest.” There’s a beat of silence, and Ushijima finally returns the gesture with a hard glare. 

 

“Shiritorizawa still made it to the finals, Shiritorizawa will always be able to soar to higher places that Seijou could only dream of—” Ushijima turns his head away, now sending daggers into the back of Daichi’s head as Daichi desperately tried to ignore the scene unfolding, “—no matter what _scavengers_ attack. Seijou will always be weak, with or without you.” Oikawa feels Iwaizumi vibrate by his side— itching to defend his kohai. Even Daichi, so calm and collected, looks irritated. But Oikawa grabs Iwaizumi’s elbow, he knows how to settle this, and it isn’t through violence. He shakes his head ‘no’ at his best friend. 

 

No, to finally end this, he needs more than just violence. 

 

Oikawa steps up front instead, coming close to Ushijima with determination lighting his limbs. 

 

“There’s only one way to settle this, Ushiwaka,” Oikawa states through gritted teeth, “only one way to truly decide which one of us is the true Grand King.”

 

“Hey, that’s the nickname I came up with!” Hinata squawks, suddenly appearing behind Kageyama, “I should trade mark it.”

 

“Shut up, dumbass” Kageyama hisses, “we wanna see what happens.”

 

Ushijima’s eyes narrow, folding his arms across his chest. “I always knew it would come down to this.”

 

“I bet you did.” Oikawa hisses, “there’s only one way to settle this.”

 

“A three on three match with our most trusted players—“

 

“TO LIP SYNC FOR OUR LIVES.” Oikawa’s voice echoes loud and clear across the squeak of trainers, brekaing through the heavy heaves of tired players. Everyone pauses, Ushijima even looks taken back. 

 

“…What?” Iwaizumi, Nishinoya and Semi chorus. Oikawa nods curtly, waving an arm around and looking rather smug. 

 

“You heard me,” he spins on his heel and points a finger out at Ushijima,”the only way to truly decide who the best is, is too lip sync.” Oikawa begins to pace, still waving a hand round for emphasis. 

 

“Ever since we lost to Karasuno, I’ve finally realised what our rivalry is missing.” He turns on his heel, now circling Ushijima, “and I found myself through an American TV show, changing my life and showing me the what a true rivalry is.” He pauses, turns his head with an expression like a brooding storm, “and I challenge you to a lip sync, Ushiwaka.”

 

“Shittykawa, we only lost to Karasuno yesterday,” Iwaizumi looks down at his wrist watch, “it hasn’t even been 24 hours yet.”

 

“I binged watched seasons 4 too 9 last night,” Oikawa coos, and then turns back to his opponent. “I had already seen the first three, and I think I’m finally ready to defeat you, Ushijima.”

 

“I literally have no idea what is going on.” Nishinoya states blandly, looking just as lost as everyone else.

 

“How did Oikawa watch five seasons of a TV show in one night? Is that even possible?” Daichi mutters to Sugawara.

 

“It is if you are believe in yourself.” he whispers back.

 

Finally Ushijimabreaks through the chatter with a huff, and gives a low but long nod of his gracious head. “Very well, Oikawa Tooru, if this is how you wish to end it.” Oikawa’s grin twists into something manic. He stretches out an arm, and clears his throat, ready to finally recieve the victory he truly deserves. 

 

“However,” Ushijima booms, “i must warn you Oikawa, you're not the only one who watches American Television.” Oikawa feels his blood run cold, and he turns back slowly too meet the sturn face of Ushijima. 

 

“You tired ass show girl.” Ushijima spits out stiffly, sounding almost robotic. But it’s a message— a message for Oikawa only, like the enemy line sending you a morse code message to alert you they’ve figured you out, they know your game. 

 

Oikawa swallows thickly, andrenaline spiking through his spine. 

 

“At least I am a show girl,” he spits back, “go back to party city where you belong.” There’s a twitch of Ushijima’s lips, until a small smirk falls on his face. 

 

“Yet again, I see you will be a worthy opponent.” 

 

“Anyone—anyone at all understand what’s going on here?”

 

“Did Ushijima just call Oikawa a show girl—“ Suga slaps a hand over Ennoshita’s mouth and pulls Nishinoya close, shushing them. 

 

“They’re about to do it, shut up and watch.” 

 

The two stare each other down, until finally Ushijima slowly begins to shrug off his jacket. Tendou steps forward, taking the material in his fingers. 

 

“I’ve got your jacket, go and get ‘em babe.” Tendou steps away, giving Ushijima a heart felt smack on the back, falling beside Semi with proud tears pricking his eyes as Semi groans and shakes his head. 

 

“Iwaizumi, you’re in charge of music.” Oikawa out stretches his hand and offers his iPhone out to him, as Iwaizumi sighs and reluctantly takes hold of it. He looks pained. He doesn’t want too be here. He wishes he’d chosen a different path right now. 

 

“If we’re going to do this, we’re going to do this right.” Ushijima turns to the on watching Karasuno, “we’ll need judges.”

 

“Agreed,” Oikawa nods towards Karasuno, “Daichi will be Rupaul.”

 

“Fine.”

 

“Their Ace can be Michelle.”

 

“Very well.”

 

“And refreshing-kun can be Santino.”

 

Suga groans, “I don’t wanna be Santino.” 

 

Ushiwaka shakes his head, “Oh Oikawa, if you were a true fan you’d know that Santino is no longer a judge.” Oikawa tenses and lets a suprised splutter of air pass through his lips. 

 

He can’t be shaken, not yet, not now.

 

“What the hell is a Rupaul?” Daichi groans. 

 

“Oh, I know! It’s when you remember something you forgot!” Hinata says smugly. Tsukishima, who had been uncharacteristically quiet from such a show down, sighed. 

 

“That’s _recall,_ God you’re stupid.” 

 

Oikawa takes a deep breath, eyes closed as he shifts through his fogging mind, searching for sereinity. When he finds it, in a pin prick, he pushes his energy through his lungs and into the space in front of him. 

 

“Iwa-chan,” he breathes, “the music.” 

 

Iwaizumi looks torn between being proud and ashamed, but still obediently clicks the phone. The music blares feebly from the speakers, catching the attention of Ushijima. 

 

“The Beginning, by Rupaul himself. I can only commemorate your vintage choice in music Oikawa.” Although Ushijima talks the talk, he does not hesitate to walk the walk either, finding his position. Oikawa’s eyes narrow, sweat already beading upon his brow. 

 

“And what would you have chosen, Read U Wrote U? Left me to flounder with Roxxxy’s verse? I know your games, Ushijima.” 

 

“A true champion would have learned to work with such a verse, and use the lack of fast spoken words to their advantage.” 

 

“No one can do Roxxxy’s verse well.” Suga mutters, only after noticing his teams judgemental eye does he add “I’m guessing.” 

 

They take their positions, and the music starts up. Ushijima turns dramatically as Oikawa rips his coat dramatically from his body, tossing his glasses aside. He immediately skids to his knees, prepared to do anything for the title. For his legacy. 

 

“Okay, no, stop. Both of you. This is already embarrassing.” Iwaizumi groans from between his fingers, and uses his spare hand to pause the music.

Oikawa opens his mouth to interject, but is quickly stopped by Daichi who sighs “Yes, I agree, this is just plain out weird.” 

 

“I was enjoying it.” Suga mumbles, receiving a nudge from Daichi. “No, we shouldn’t enjoy it, we shouldn’t enjoy pain or suffering.” 

 

Daichi steps forward so he stands between the two, eyes narrowed and back straightened, a tower of sensibility. 

 

“Neither of you have anything to fight about, for both of you are admirable players of great strength and ability. Alone, your strengths as individual players overwhelm my own, and i get and understand that.” Daichi places a hand on Oikawa’s shoulder, who surprising accepts it. He sends a look to Ushijima that makes him go slack. There’s a pause, where Oikawa looks over at Ushijima, and he feels nothing, he feels like maybe this is it— 

 

“But that gives neither of you the right to start frolicking about and giving my team bad ideas.” Oikawa’s head snaps surprising when Daichi hits him over the head gently and points over to his scattered team.“Just look at them— they're already hard to handle I don’t need you two setting an even shitter example.”

 

Too be fair to Daichi, Nishinoya had already started to practice high kicks, whilst Hinata and Kageyama bickered passionately about how to pronounce ‘ _recall_ ’. Suga just looked far too happy about the whole thing, especially for someone who claimed to have ‘no idea’ about what was going on. 

 

“If you’re going to do this, do it somewhere else. My team only have about a five minute attention span and you’ve just used it all up, they probably don’t even remember they just won a match.” 

 

“No.” Ushjima says, shaking his head. “No. This must end, we cannot go on.” Ushijima turns to Oikawa, looking him dead in the eye. “Sawamura is right, this is over.”

 

Oikawa’s throat dries, and momentarily he thinks he’ll choke on his own words. “I know. It ends here, and it ends how it needs to.” Oikawa takes a step forward and, riggidly, holds out his hand. Ushijima hesitates, before he slowly clasps Oikawa’s hand. They shake, and then they step apart. 

 

“You became an honourable man, Oikawa.” Ushijima states bodly, and then ruins it by adding “if nothing else.” 

 

“Jee, thanks Ushiwaka. You’re okay too I guess.” 

 

Ushijima’s mouth twitches, an almost smile, that makes Tendou gasp happily. 

 

“I will always admire your pleasantry, Oikawa. Maybe I should have gone to Aboa Johsai”. 

 

Oikawa frowns.

 

“Don’t joke about that.” 

 

Ushijima turns back to and smirks, before he follows a relieved looking Semi out of the hall, Tendou hopping hyperly around him. The doors close, and another warm hand finds its way to Oikawa’s shoulder. 

 

“I’m proud of you.” Iwaizumi says, for the second time in 24 hours, and Oikawa knows he means it.

 

He smiles sheepishly, “I’m proud of us.” Oikawa whispers. “I’m going to go and get my coat… and my glasses.”

 

Oikawa saunders off, leaving Iwaizumi to smile to himself. He also turns to Daichi, and bows shallowly, but with meaning. 

 

“Thank you, for what you did.” He says to him, before he walks off to find his partner. 

 

Daichi watches him go with what can only be relief cooling his insides. Suga stands beside him and ruffles his hair.

 

“What you just did there, Daichi. That was good.” 

 

Daichi grins and leans against Suga playfully. 

 

“Well, you know what they say, I was not having a fight go down here.”

 

“No, I don’t know what they say.”

 

“Not today, Satan. Not today.”

 


End file.
